I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize