i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
