somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
