i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize