Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
The best revenge is premature balding
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.