Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
