Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
