im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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