He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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