Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
