i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
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There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
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He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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