Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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