The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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