I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
