Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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