A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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