while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.