Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
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You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.