This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.