i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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