I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
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So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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