We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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