speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it