I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
