Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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