i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.