2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this just has baby written all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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