I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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