Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
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The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
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Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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