Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
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All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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