And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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