my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
