so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
