The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
