I just pynch a tree in the face
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
