I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
