I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased