Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
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i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
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I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.