She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you