I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
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Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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