Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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