I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
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you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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