Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
