a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.