I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.