I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my being single is dangerous.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
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They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.