Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
bring money and cleavage
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.