Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
