Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
