Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize