my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
