lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize