I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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