Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
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It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
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Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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