So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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