Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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